LPT: If someone you love is living with dementia or Alzheimer's, don't correct their mistaken memories — say "yes, and" and treat it like an improv game
Just lost my pop to a long fight with Alzheimer's. It sucked watching the kind, warm, and generous man I knew become a shell of his former self.
During his decline, he showed all the hallmarks of the disease: forgetting family faces and names, telling stories about false memories, and, in the end, a bit of belligerence (the kind you might typically see in a toddler).
Throughout his decline, I saw my family approach it in one of two ways: some would try to correct his mistakes over and over (to no avail), and some would just roll with the punches.
Playing along with things in the moment always seemed to keep him more centered and grounded. Not only did it help calm him down, it made those painful visits a little less so by knowing he felt comforted by my validating his reality, and not trying to yank him out of whatever timeline/alternate universe he was visiting.
A simple example would be if he asked where his (long dead) mother was, I would just say "she's visiting with your sister and will be back soon." What good would correcting him do? Then he'd have to re-live that trauma of losing his mom all over again, possibly many times a day.
Or when he would say something outlandish like, "I used to be a senator, you know" I would just say, "oh that's right, I forgot all about that, tell me more!"
I have to give credit to a TEDMED talk that I saw describing this whole approach, many years ago. I'm so glad I saw it because it absolutely changed the way I spent time with my dad, and made it easier, richer, and more gratifying in spite of the misery of the disease. Hope it helps you, too.
And fuck you, Alzheimer's.
Edit: I can’t keep up with all the replies and awards, but I am so grateful to everyone for your kind words. I’m glad you’re able to find this useful; it totally changed how I talked with my dad
Best wishes to all of you.
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