TIFU by asking for some hardcore bdsm from my boyfriend. And now I think I’m mentally scarred.
I am in no way shape or form blaming my bf, but I think I mentally scarred myself. I’ve been watching some pretty crazy shit recently, and I had the smart idea to try something out. I asked him if he could preform certain acts of BDSM with my consent. I wasn’t abused as a kid or anything. Idk, porn just glorified it enough to make me curious. We had safe words and everything. And when we did the deed, I was… conflicted to say the least. It was arousing, don’t get me wrong. But fuck, it also left me feeling helpless. I know it was kind of the point, but I was not prepared. I didn’t ask to stop because I was still getting off on it.
My bf was very against it at first since he was as vanilla as a person can be. but he said if I really wanted to try, he’d be up for it. The thing was, he actually enjoyed it. Like really enjoyed it.
Anyways afterwards, I let him know that it wasn’t as fun as I’d thought it would be and that we wouldn’t do it again. He was understanding of course. But for some reason, I was kind of unnerved that he was really into it. And the weeks afterwards, I just kept thinking of how helpless. I’ve been less intimate with my boyfriend since then. Every time he touches me to initiate, I recoil. And every time I think of being intimate with him, I think of that night.
My boyfriend has been very supportive with me, saying it’s no big deal if we weren’t intimate. Just as long as I feel comfortable. The thing is, I’m not. He doesn’t know that this has been festering inside me and I actually feel like shit for feeling like this. It seems totally unfair to tell him about this because, like I literally asked for bdsm specifically! He’d feel like a total piece of shit for doing what I asked. It’s not his fault I woke some kink in him.
Anyways, I think I’m gonna spend money on therapy to fix this myself, thanks for listening Reddit
TLDR: Asked my bf to be very rough with me during sex. It mentally scarred me and I feel like shit for feeling like shit. Can’t tell my bf because it’ll make him feel like shit because I’m a piece of shit for thinking it would be hot. So I’m going to therapy.
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