I regret throwing my marriage away and divorcing my husband
I(30F) divorced my husband (34M) around 3 yrs. ago. We had been a couple since high school and got married as soon as I graduated college at and he had started working at a public sector bank for a year. I also had a job lined up, so I also joined the workforce as soon as we returned from honeymoon.
Work-life and marriage life was not how I had expected at all. With both of us working full-time, we barely had any time during weekdays. I had both Saturday and Sunday off but my husband had to work Saturdays as well. 2 yrs. into our marriage, I had started resenting my husband for never being available for me. Idk why I started feeling like that but my mind made me feel like now that we are married, he lost his attraction towards me. Which was total bs because every bit of free time he had, he spent it on taking care of my needs. I increasingly became cold towards him, not reciprocating his affection. I made excuses to avoid date nights, made up work pressure when he tried to arrange vacations, faked tiredness to not have sex, excuses to not go and visit his parents, even though they had always treated me like their own daughter for years. I still can't explain why, I just kept thinking that I'm wasting my 'youth' away in this marriage.
Obviously the marriage wasn't working well. My husband asked me many times over the years about going to therapy or open up to him if he hurt me somehow, for me to be so indifferent to him. I always cut him off saying that I was fine. I had completely checked out of the marriage. I still remember the hurt in his eyes when I asked for divorce. He tried to change my mind many times but I filed for divorce against both mine and my husband's families. I did not ask for anything from the divorce apart from my share of our marital house. It was sold pretty fast and he let me have 60 percent of the value despite me having wanted half of it. It was an amicable divorce as my husband understood that I wouldn't change my mind, no matter what.
After divorce, I felt free for the first time in ages but the new found freedom didn't last long. All my life I had the love and company of my parents and then my husband but now I was all alone. My parents absolutely loved my husband and were devastated at my divorce. They cut off all contact with me, when I went on with the divorce. My ex-husband's parents tried to reach out a few times but I never picked up. Even then I hadn't come to my senses and thought that things would surely improve. I requested a transfer to a different state, for a change of scenario and the company happily agreed to send me to a state with manpower shortage. I started dating for the first time in my life. Having absolutely zero experience, loads of men tried to take advantage of me but thankfully I at least had some semblance of self respect and did not want to sleep around immediately. It was then I realised that those men were just there for the sex and as I did not give them that, they immediately ghosted. After some time, I gave in and started sleeping on first dates but the sex was terrible. Not even a fraction of how sex was with my ex-husband. Even after sleeping around, it was obvious that these men were only around for the sex and had absolutely zero interest in a romantic relationship. It got so bad that I stopped going out at all. It has been over a year and a half since I went out on a date or even had dinner with another person. I get up > go to the office > work > get home > get dinner > sleep > repeat. The weekends are when it actually hits how lonely I am and what an absolute fucking idiot I have been, throwing away a perfectly stable life. I have somewhat reconnected with my mother(father said that his daughter passed away the moment I signed those divorce papers). She informed me last week, that my ex-husband has gotten engaged to his girlfriend of 1 year. Apparently my ex-husband had gotten into a pretty bad car accident and admitted to the hospital for nearly 3 months. It was there that he was placed under care of his fiancee, who was in her final year of clinical internship.
My mother was extra nasty when she told me the news. She said something along the lines of "I hope you're happy now that he has realised his mistake of marrying someone like you and is finally moving on with his life."
At this point I don't even have any tears left to cry. I'm all cried out after almost a full year of crying myself to sleep every single night. After what I have done, I don't even have the nerve of reaching out to him to congratulate him on his engagement and maybe ask for forgiveness. All I feel is constant headaches and dull pain throughout my body. It's laughable how I managed to destroy a life that many people would kill to have. The only thing I'm proud of myself is that I did not trap my ex-husband with a child. A person like me deserves to die alone.
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